State of My Union

I haven't written a blog post in awhile. Generally I am not very good at keeping up on my blogs, my journal is spotty and I am terrible at keeping in touch with my friends. It's not that I don't want to, I am just not very good at changing my habits or working on self discipline. I know I could be better if I tried.... I guess I am just not there yet.

This past week has been extremely difficult for Louie and I. Losing our first cat, Mcgoohan unexpectedly threw a wrench in the works. I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions, trying to process them, and grieve while still remaining as functional as possible. Louie has been amazing. He's kept me going, picking up my pieces when I fall apart.

I know things will get better, and it will hurt less eventually, but it just really sucks wading through all the muck right now. I'm sad because I miss my friend. I feel crazy because you how sad I am, and how close I felt to her even though she was a cat, and we had no verbal communication. I feel guilty that I didn't notice something was wrong sooner. I feel guilty that there was not more I could do. I know some of this is irrational. I know it was not my fault. I know it was serious and there was not anything we could have done to prevent it.

We went to Dave's to get catfood for our other cat Nico (who has been so comforting and loving through all of this) and I could feel it all swelling up inside me, and it took all of my energy to keep it together till we got back to the car. When we got home I let it all out. Just admitting the guilt out loud helped me release it, and acknowledge that this was not my fault. Sad depression is much worse than feeling sorry for myself depression. I've been trying to make myself stay busy, so I don't wallow. I still give myself time to let the emotions out - keeping them bottled up is never good. Louie has been amazing, like I said before. I don't know how he continues to deal with the level of crazy I dump on him everyday, but somehow he does.

The hardest times for me are in the morning, while its still dark, and Louie has left for work. Magoo used to jump up and lay on my chest, and purr so loud. The other time is when I come home from work, she would be sitting in the window, and run to the door as soon as she saw me approaching. She'd jump right into my lap as soon as I sat down... even if it was to eat dinner..

I'm trying to make myself reconnect with friends, but my hermit lifestyle is very easy to fall back into. Over the past few years I have slowly isolated myself from pretty much everyone minus work, Louie and the occasional family get together or friends in town visiting. In high school all I wanted was to be out with my friends. College was new an exciting, and the party lifestyle seemed to just fit. Now I find myself content to stay in, and work on craft projects.

Large groups of people just stress me out. I also have not been to keen on people these days since 9 times out of 10, I have unpleasant interactions with people I don't know. I do miss my friends but I guess I've just been lazy & busy, and can't figure out how to balance everything. Even before the stress of this past week hit, I was having trouble with life. Life completely overwhelms me and I don't know how most people function. Never ending chores, food shopping, meal planning, eating healthy, trying to exercise, laundry, taxes, bills, work, and finding time to work on my own art and craft projects. And the worst part is, I don't even have it bad, so what the heck is my problem. I have a small apartment, a stable & amazing relationship with someone I love who also shares the workload, no kids, a job...why does it overwhelm me? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of myself. I don't know.

I was just starting to try and get somethings together. I was planning meals ahead, I was making shopping lists, and paying bills on time. I know I'll get it together, and this is just a slump. The universe dropped my pie on the ground, and I'm picking up the pieces and trying to move on. Filling my head with cliches like "If it doesn't kill ya, it will make ya stronger" to make myself feel better in between mid day meltdowns.

I just don't know how people do it. Life is so exhausting just trying to get by, the people that go above and beyond blow my mind. Who knows when I'll get it together to post again, for now I'm going back to chores and re-watching six feet under. Six Feet Under is like comfort food for me. My stream of consciousness is a bit all over the place I realize, so I'm sorry if this entry is a bit hard to follow. I just had to get it all out of my head. Thanks for reading.