I’m a control freak.

I have been forever. It’s not that I need to control other people, or control everything but I need to feel in control.

I am only just now realizing this about myself because I was reading about controlling personality types & it was like a light bulb went off over my head. duh.

Perhaps this is why I have trouble with change. I desperately try to put everything in order. Put a system into place. Form habits. Become a regular. Predictability. A game plan. When something happens to disrupt this plan, anxiety & panic ensue.

To Do lists relax me. A tangible list of things I can cross off one by one & see as an accomplished goal when it’s done.

All of my systems fall apart. Things come up, plans change. So I don’t plan too far ahead in the future, but not having a plan gives me anxiety, so I don’t think about it. So I keep doing what I am doing. Until something happens that forces me to think about it.

Now I can’t stop thinking about the future.

I went to my friend Alissa’s baby shower yesterday. It was like a mini high school reunion. It was weird. I felt this strange duality. Like kids playing house. We’re all the same as we were, but not really.

It just sent me deeper down the thought hole.

What am I doing? I’m not interested in children anytime soon. I don’t want to go to grad school. Am I going to be a music marketing assistant forever? How did I even end up here? Do I even have marketable skills? How fast is the world actually crumbling? I’m not following a path. I darted off the trail avoiding things I knew I didn’t want. Now I’m lost in the woods. I know Louie is too. I think the whole idea is so vast and stressful and depressing that we don’t talk about it. We distract ourselves and avoid it till we can’t.

Mercury is in retrograde. I told myself I was not going to let it affect me. But here I am. It’s hard to communicate. It’s hard to roll with the punches. It’s hard to get excited about anything right now. I just keep trying to deal best I can.

Focus on finishing Holiday gifts. Try to not let myself get pissed at the plumbers for blocking the flow of my day. Focus. Adapt. Move on.

And try not to turn into a robot.

limbo

I feel lost. This time of year does it to me. The cold weather gets me thinking. Hibernation mode. Reflections of the year ending, new promises for the future. Planning. Six Feet Under re-watch. Hannah default mode.

I get antsy.

The constant anxiety that usually lives in the background bubbles to the surface more frequently & erupts at the most inconvenient times. I re-arrange rooms. I can’t sleep. I spend hours staring at the ceiling trying to figure out my life instead of sleeping. Everything is so frustrating and uncertain.

I feel like I am caught in limbo.

I can’t figure out how to be a grown up without feeling like a kill joy. I don’t know how to be young either. I sit around and do craft projects cuz I can't deal with people at all. They infuriate me.

I try to be more social and it works for a couple weeks, and falls apart quickly, I withdraw and become a hermit again.

I like doing everything myself. I enjoy cooking, even cleaning to a certain extent, but I get overwhelmed by the sheer volume there is to do just to maintain some sort of order in a small apartment.

With the recent “new apartment” project, I’ve been forced to think about my future. What am I doing? Where am I going? The older I have gotten the less I think about it. I guess part of me is just waiting for something cataclysmic to happen, so what’s the point of planning right? Wrong. That is straight up crazy talk. What is my problem? Short term plans are good. I have none. I thought I was pretty happy, but I guess there are areas that need some refining.

I’ve been reading Alan Moore’s Promethea. Just finished the 4^th trade paperback. One more to go. It’s been amazing. Definitely top 5 material. Invisibles level. Reading more has been therapeutic. Calming. The art is fantastic and the storyline is so unbelievable. Multi layered. Expertly woven out of mythologies I already know and love, talking about huge existential issues I’ve been wrestling with myself recently. It was the perfect time to start reading it. It’s awoken some crazy dreams in me that feel slightly like memories of past lives. Whether or not they are is beside the point. They make me feel better. One vivid moment of one of the dreams, I reach into my pocket and written on a scrap of paper are the words “there is no death, only change”.

Ideas don't come from watching television

Thankfully I’ve managed to quit my really bad addictions. Most of them at least. One that I genuinely need to work on in my TV on DVD addiction. I know I watch too much TV. Granted, I try and make myself feel better about it offering up reasons why like “I like people talking when I am alone” or “I work on craft projects while I do it” but there is really no excuse. I don’t read as much as I used to (that’s slowly changing though) & stopped listening to music as much at home/around my apartment. I like binging on 6 episodes of a show in a row while I sew. Can’t help it. Star Trek to Stargate to L Word Six Feet Under to Wild Wild West (the old TV series) and everything in between. I’ve burned through it all to the point where I am running out quality shows. This was part of what got me thinking perhaps I need to slow down. I don’t like how lazy my imagination has gotten.

I’ve dealt with the being alone/silence issues I had. I quite enjoy silence these days since I experience so little of it throughout my day. It helps me focus. I’ve also become very comfortable with being alone. It used to freak me out, but I had to get used to it once Louie & I moved in together and I actually started to get days off. I was a big change from living in a house full of women in Amherst. No one was ever alone. Now I quite enjoy our schedules. One day off together, one day to myself for chores & what not. It does get long & lonely sometimes, but it’s fine. Being alone used to make me anxious so I developed this habit of watching movies or TV while I did crafts or collages & it relaxed me. I guess it still does relax me, but it’s no longer necessary. It’s just a habit I need to break. What reminded me that I wanted to get back on the “Less TV Plan” was Seth Godin’s Blogpost from 11/24 “Where do ideas come from?”

Ideas don't come from watching television

Louie and I watched this Grant Morrison documentary this weekend “Talking with Gods” and it was incredible. Grant Morrison is a genius; A wacky, amazing genius that has created an amazing life for himself. It was inspiring & thoughtfully made. We had a great weekend. Some extra time off together is rare, so both of us blew off our friends (whoops) and decided to spend some time together since we have both been so busy these last few weeks. It was great.

Working on art projects was really fun & relaxing. I was working on this quilt that was taking far too long (I am such a bad friend!) for Kristen & Eric (I know you are thinking bad Hannah! They got married in AUGUST!). I was trying to add some artistic touches to fill the blank spots where people signed the quilt squares at her shower, and Louie offered some constructive criticism. To be honest, at first, I got really prickly about it. I am really stubborn by nature. But, I worked through it and Louie was right. It was too busy. So I went with another plan & boom – the end result was a MILLION times better. (I’ll post pictures of the quilt in a few days after I give it to them J ). Openness & honesty is work, but it is so worth it in the end. It makes life so much easier & more enjoyable.

Today I went for a little hike in the Dog Park (who knew Northampton had a Dog Park?!) with Igor, Kristen & Eric. It was wonderful to get outside & watch the Dogs play. The whole time I was thinking about what it might be like to be a dog, going to the park & interacting with other dogs. Animals are fascinating. I know it’s mostly just projecting human interactions onto animals that have a completely different way of interacting but for my own purposes, I enjoying thinking about animals in that way.

Short term goals:

1. Start Doing Yoga for reelz.

2. Re-Start my Craftblog

3. Continue to try & eat better, more healthy food.

4. Stick to a budget & start saving some money / paying off student loans.

Sometimes all you need is to stay up all night.

I was not planning to go out Friday night, but Kristen is a weakness (in a great way). She said "come out and hang with us" so I did. This whole week's theme has been perfect timing. Moments when it feels like the universe is briefly in sync & all is right. I got to Diva's just as Kristen & Eric did. The line was totally insane, and I thought we would never get in. Thankfully, Kristen grabbed my hand and pulled me up the stairs through the sea of mildly disgruntled hippies. It felt like the old days. VIP all the way. Jess and Carley got in shortly after. The "sexy ninja assassin squad" was back in action (minus a few). The room was fuller than I have ever seen it. The people watching was great, although at times made me feel very old. I got very introspective, and realized it was not old I was feeling, it was maturity. Lately I have been wary about going to parties because of fear of drama, and not knowing anyone anymore. Friday night, I was with friends I love and miss. I was completely relaxed and had a great time. I didn't dance too much, i feel like I can never really get into dubstep, but the energy was great, the vibe was great, and I realized I need that kind of relaxation and release and I didn't even know it.

The other part of the night, skipping the "after party" in Hadley that was full of idiot teenagers, was great. We went back to our friends' Dave & Kate's house with a few close friends, and mixed records & played with awesome lasers and blinking lights. Nerding out with electronics all night. It was like scooping up all the best parts of my old party days, without all of the terrible stressful crap. I didn't even think that was possible.

Leila (an awesome DJ) was there selling some of her amazingly beautiful shirts and bags that she handmade. It was wonderful and inspiring to see creative art pieces selling. I've always held back and never actually tried to sell any of my crafts because I am worried no one will buy them. Granted, I make nothing that comes close to the beautiful pieces she makes, but that's beside the point. She's out there doing it.

Thursday I went to pot luck at Carly's with Jess, Luke, Kate and Andy and that was fantastic. Amazingly good food and good company. I forget how good it feels being around my friends, because I get so frustrated and upset when I am around the general public.

Slowly but surely I am interacting with the world again. Tomorrow I took off from work to go to Columbus Day tag sales in South Hadley (a new and fantastic Louie tradition). Next weekend: Boston Comic Con, and coming soon: NYC in November to see my Lindzzz.

Birth Control Pills Shown to Alter Structure of Women's Brains

You aren't yourself anymore. It's a familiar complaint heard by women who have recently gone on birth control pills. Now studies are providing evidence for what many of those women, and the men who love them, have long known intuitively: the pill can alter the female brain, making a woman act like a different person.

The pill turned 50 this year, and it has gone through many iterations since the Food and Drug Administration gave the pharmaceutical company G.D. Searle a green light to market the first oral contraceptive on June 23, 1960. Drug companies continually roll out contraceptives containing lower doses of hormones and entailing fewer side effects. But women who have gone on hormones can point to the effects that have stubbornly endured: moodiness, depression, decreased libido. (This last one makes some birth control pills perversely effective. Not only do they protect you from pregnancy if you do have sex, they also zap your desire to have sex in the first place -- and turn you into an unstable mess, which may in turn zap your partner's interest in sex.) But believe it or not, we still know very little about the consequences of taking daily hormones on a woman's brain.

That is changing, say Craig H. Kinsley and Elizabeth A. Meyer in Scientific American. They point to a recent study in the journal Brain Research comparing the brains of women on birth control pills with brains of other women and men. When the study's authors examined high-resolution images of participants' brains, they found the women on hormones showed more matter in some areas of the brain, including the prefrontal cortex, which is associated with cognitive activities like decision-making.

The Brain Research study prompted breathless news reports suggesting that the pill makes you smarter. But Kinsley and Meyer point out that the brain works like a "neural beehive," and disturbing one part of the hive could impact the other. The fact that one brain region becomes larger than the next does not mean a woman on hormones is more intelligent or effective. It is also possible that her brain is going haywire. (Kinsley and Meyer actually use the word "catawampus.")

That may be why in some situations estrogen has been shown to impair performance in rats. Other studies have suggested that the pill may change a woman’s preferences to the point of affecting her taste in men.

They compare the pill to steroids, which are known to cause increased aggression in men. Could the stints of hyper-masculine behavior known as "'roid rage" have their equivalent in women? Hopefully future studies will shed light on what many couples know to be intuitively true.

Mara Hvistendahl is writing Unnatural Selection, a book on reproductive technology, sex selection, and gender imbalance.

http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2010-09/birth-control-pills-shown-alter-structure-womens-brains

Tryin' to Stay Positive.

I have not written in this blog for awhile. Since February. I pulled in from the world. I got busy. There are any number of excuses. Life has been pretty chaotic and I have not really felt like pouring my heart and soul out on the internet. I need to force myself to start writing regularly though. I feel better when I do. I realized this today at work when I noticed a new coping mechanism I have developed. Work has been stressful. I don't know anyone who is not stressed out right now. I've been trying to get better at managing my stress. I'm prone to emotional outbursts. It's just who I am. My chemicals. My Scorpio tendencies. It's who I am but it's not something that I can let get out of control at the wrong moments. So anyway, coping mechanism - writing emails to the person or thing I am angry at or frustrated with & deleting it right after. I got the idea from this show Jeremiah I've been watching (post apocalyptic fun!). In the show, the main character writes letters to his father & burns them.

I'm trying to channel frustration into motivation. Learning to do my best with what I have and let the rest go. I take on problems that are not my own, but I am learning to put them aside and focus on what needs to get done.
I have a problem with focusing on negativity, and all the things that are going wrong that I forget about the things that are going right. I feed my anxiety instead of trying to deal with it and make changes to cope with it better.
The economy is bad. It makes work stressful. All the old rules are out the window and we have to start fresh. People are being forced to change their spending habits and at some point there is going to be a global breaking point. Capitalism cannot continue on the same trajectory it has been on.

Change, adapt, and keep going. No one knows where we're headed, but there are only two options. Keep going, or give up. I choose every day to keep going. I am in a fortunate position, unlike many who are not so lucky. I have a job, I have an apartment, a cat and a wonderful relationship with a person who allows me to be myself completely & whom I love more than anything. My family lives close, I get to see them whenever I want to need to. I have friends are there when I need them. I need to focus on all of these positive things. I need to spend more time on the things that are amazing to give me strength and energy to deal with the rest of it.

My tendency when I get stressed and depressed is to withdraw and shut out the world. To grumble and ignore my feelings, just "trying not to think about it". Avoid. Isolate. Retreat into my safe cave of an apartment and surround myself with Sci Fi TV shows, avoiding any and all interaction, doing craft projects for hours. Some of that is fine. It's what I enjoy, it's who I am. I also need to get out. I need to see my friends, I need to see my family, call my family so they know I am thinking about them, and love them. I can't cut off my connections to the world.

I have a hard time finding a balance. I always have. I know that I need me time. Some alone time every day, every week to just be calm, gather myself. If I miss out on that time I'm a mess. Somehow I need to slowly work in some more people interaction. Slowly. I tried to much to fast a couple months ago and spooked myself into isolation again. I don't know if that made any sense, but I'm glad I wrote in my blog again. It helps me organize my state of mind and guides me toward what I know I need to do next.

Do the best I can, take everything one step at a time, and try to stay positive.

State of My Union

I haven't written a blog post in awhile. Generally I am not very good at keeping up on my blogs, my journal is spotty and I am terrible at keeping in touch with my friends. It's not that I don't want to, I am just not very good at changing my habits or working on self discipline. I know I could be better if I tried.... I guess I am just not there yet.

This past week has been extremely difficult for Louie and I. Losing our first cat, Mcgoohan unexpectedly threw a wrench in the works. I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions, trying to process them, and grieve while still remaining as functional as possible. Louie has been amazing. He's kept me going, picking up my pieces when I fall apart.

I know things will get better, and it will hurt less eventually, but it just really sucks wading through all the muck right now. I'm sad because I miss my friend. I feel crazy because you how sad I am, and how close I felt to her even though she was a cat, and we had no verbal communication. I feel guilty that I didn't notice something was wrong sooner. I feel guilty that there was not more I could do. I know some of this is irrational. I know it was not my fault. I know it was serious and there was not anything we could have done to prevent it.

We went to Dave's to get catfood for our other cat Nico (who has been so comforting and loving through all of this) and I could feel it all swelling up inside me, and it took all of my energy to keep it together till we got back to the car. When we got home I let it all out. Just admitting the guilt out loud helped me release it, and acknowledge that this was not my fault. Sad depression is much worse than feeling sorry for myself depression. I've been trying to make myself stay busy, so I don't wallow. I still give myself time to let the emotions out - keeping them bottled up is never good. Louie has been amazing, like I said before. I don't know how he continues to deal with the level of crazy I dump on him everyday, but somehow he does.

The hardest times for me are in the morning, while its still dark, and Louie has left for work. Magoo used to jump up and lay on my chest, and purr so loud. The other time is when I come home from work, she would be sitting in the window, and run to the door as soon as she saw me approaching. She'd jump right into my lap as soon as I sat down... even if it was to eat dinner..

I'm trying to make myself reconnect with friends, but my hermit lifestyle is very easy to fall back into. Over the past few years I have slowly isolated myself from pretty much everyone minus work, Louie and the occasional family get together or friends in town visiting. In high school all I wanted was to be out with my friends. College was new an exciting, and the party lifestyle seemed to just fit. Now I find myself content to stay in, and work on craft projects.

Large groups of people just stress me out. I also have not been to keen on people these days since 9 times out of 10, I have unpleasant interactions with people I don't know. I do miss my friends but I guess I've just been lazy & busy, and can't figure out how to balance everything. Even before the stress of this past week hit, I was having trouble with life. Life completely overwhelms me and I don't know how most people function. Never ending chores, food shopping, meal planning, eating healthy, trying to exercise, laundry, taxes, bills, work, and finding time to work on my own art and craft projects. And the worst part is, I don't even have it bad, so what the heck is my problem. I have a small apartment, a stable & amazing relationship with someone I love who also shares the workload, no kids, a job...why does it overwhelm me? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of myself. I don't know.

I was just starting to try and get somethings together. I was planning meals ahead, I was making shopping lists, and paying bills on time. I know I'll get it together, and this is just a slump. The universe dropped my pie on the ground, and I'm picking up the pieces and trying to move on. Filling my head with cliches like "If it doesn't kill ya, it will make ya stronger" to make myself feel better in between mid day meltdowns.

I just don't know how people do it. Life is so exhausting just trying to get by, the people that go above and beyond blow my mind. Who knows when I'll get it together to post again, for now I'm going back to chores and re-watching six feet under. Six Feet Under is like comfort food for me. My stream of consciousness is a bit all over the place I realize, so I'm sorry if this entry is a bit hard to follow. I just had to get it all out of my head. Thanks for reading.