I’m a control freak.

I have been forever. It’s not that I need to control other people, or control everything but I need to feel in control.

I am only just now realizing this about myself because I was reading about controlling personality types & it was like a light bulb went off over my head. duh.

Perhaps this is why I have trouble with change. I desperately try to put everything in order. Put a system into place. Form habits. Become a regular. Predictability. A game plan. When something happens to disrupt this plan, anxiety & panic ensue.

To Do lists relax me. A tangible list of things I can cross off one by one & see as an accomplished goal when it’s done.

All of my systems fall apart. Things come up, plans change. So I don’t plan too far ahead in the future, but not having a plan gives me anxiety, so I don’t think about it. So I keep doing what I am doing. Until something happens that forces me to think about it.

Now I can’t stop thinking about the future.

I went to my friend Alissa’s baby shower yesterday. It was like a mini high school reunion. It was weird. I felt this strange duality. Like kids playing house. We’re all the same as we were, but not really.

It just sent me deeper down the thought hole.

What am I doing? I’m not interested in children anytime soon. I don’t want to go to grad school. Am I going to be a music marketing assistant forever? How did I even end up here? Do I even have marketable skills? How fast is the world actually crumbling? I’m not following a path. I darted off the trail avoiding things I knew I didn’t want. Now I’m lost in the woods. I know Louie is too. I think the whole idea is so vast and stressful and depressing that we don’t talk about it. We distract ourselves and avoid it till we can’t.

Mercury is in retrograde. I told myself I was not going to let it affect me. But here I am. It’s hard to communicate. It’s hard to roll with the punches. It’s hard to get excited about anything right now. I just keep trying to deal best I can.

Focus on finishing Holiday gifts. Try to not let myself get pissed at the plumbers for blocking the flow of my day. Focus. Adapt. Move on.

And try not to turn into a robot.

limbo

I feel lost. This time of year does it to me. The cold weather gets me thinking. Hibernation mode. Reflections of the year ending, new promises for the future. Planning. Six Feet Under re-watch. Hannah default mode.

I get antsy.

The constant anxiety that usually lives in the background bubbles to the surface more frequently & erupts at the most inconvenient times. I re-arrange rooms. I can’t sleep. I spend hours staring at the ceiling trying to figure out my life instead of sleeping. Everything is so frustrating and uncertain.

I feel like I am caught in limbo.

I can’t figure out how to be a grown up without feeling like a kill joy. I don’t know how to be young either. I sit around and do craft projects cuz I can't deal with people at all. They infuriate me.

I try to be more social and it works for a couple weeks, and falls apart quickly, I withdraw and become a hermit again.

I like doing everything myself. I enjoy cooking, even cleaning to a certain extent, but I get overwhelmed by the sheer volume there is to do just to maintain some sort of order in a small apartment.

With the recent “new apartment” project, I’ve been forced to think about my future. What am I doing? Where am I going? The older I have gotten the less I think about it. I guess part of me is just waiting for something cataclysmic to happen, so what’s the point of planning right? Wrong. That is straight up crazy talk. What is my problem? Short term plans are good. I have none. I thought I was pretty happy, but I guess there are areas that need some refining.

I’ve been reading Alan Moore’s Promethea. Just finished the 4^th trade paperback. One more to go. It’s been amazing. Definitely top 5 material. Invisibles level. Reading more has been therapeutic. Calming. The art is fantastic and the storyline is so unbelievable. Multi layered. Expertly woven out of mythologies I already know and love, talking about huge existential issues I’ve been wrestling with myself recently. It was the perfect time to start reading it. It’s awoken some crazy dreams in me that feel slightly like memories of past lives. Whether or not they are is beside the point. They make me feel better. One vivid moment of one of the dreams, I reach into my pocket and written on a scrap of paper are the words “there is no death, only change”.