Thursday, October 1, 2009

Maybe I shouldn't have turned on the computer


Watched Che parts One and Two the other day. It was a beautiful and disturbing peek inside Che's world. It makes me wonder how accurate it is factually speaking. The acting is fantastic, story, writing, cinematography all excellent. They took some fairly boring action scenes, like people shaking hands, and made them interesting, and important. You see this person come forward out of the background of the film (Louie pointed out) to become the protagonist and you're there with him.

You can almost smell the constant cigar smoke.

I like that the film simply painted a picture, and didn't try to be something. Boiled down to it's most basic of messages - it was something I needed to hear right now.

Nothing good ever comes easy. The struggle makes you stronger, right? or Maybe it's just what they tell us to make us feel better. Who cares if it's true right? If people do get good things easily, I don't wanna hear about it. I want to to believe that somehow it will all pay off. Someday I will be able to do _________. I can finally ______ all the time, whenever I want. What the ____ is, I'm not quite sure these days. Hard to say when you don't have any solid "this is what I want to be when I grow up" plans. Can't see offspring in my near future considering my extreme selfishness for 'me time' and emotional instabilities currently. I love my boyfriend(he is the absolute definition of my soul mate, I didn't even think that was humanly possible), my cats, my job is stressful, but good. I see my family when I can, and work on art projects when I feel the urge. My short term goals consist of having 2 days off in a row on a regular basis, and trying to interact with people more. Some things could be improved, but I am not miserable. I'm lucky. Yet I feel like I should have some plan, some big goal, and I don't. My biggest plan is to be able to live in a slightly bigger apartment some day, and be in a little less debt.

Maybe it's the times. I just feel like it's impossible to plan ahead, everything is uncertain. We don't face a secured future like people before and we are aware of this. The world seems like it's spiraling into insanity, but maybe it's always been like this. Maybe I am just focusing on all the bad things, when i should be looking to the good and focusing on them. It's just hard to push away all the bad. It's a catch 22. Read the news - everything sucks, depression follows. Don't read the news, don't know what's going on, ignorant bliss until you read the news again, and than it's depression on top of guilt for being ignorant.

Happy things to focus on:
The excellent time we had at the Big E eating food (clam fritters, and kettlecorn and cider, oh my!) and seeing Fredo and Laura who I haven't seen in months.
The beautiful fall weather we've been having.
Halloweeeeeen
Lots of shows in town over the next few months I will venture out of my cave for.

Sorry if my train of thought mess of words didn't make much sense, I'm tired and unfocused, and I feel like my eyes have been looking at a computer screen for a million years.

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